Are You Ready For the Big One? Creating a Gay Sex Survival Kit

A lighthearted guide that will help you to make it through just about any gay sex emergency

No one can predict when the next gay sex emergency will strike. It could happen while you’re online at a hookup site, out at a bar, or on your way home from work. The only thing scientists can tell us with 100% certainty is that a major gay sex emergency will happen – and that advance preparation is the key to survival. When the Big One comes, you and your trick could be on your own for up to 48 hours (72 if it’s a 3-day weekend.)  In order to increase your chances of survival, you’ll need a plan – and it should start with putting together a gay sex survival kit.

CREATING A GAY SEX SURVIVAL KIT
By keeping the following items on hand, you’ll be able to respond to almost any type of gay sex emergency. You should store these supplies in one large container so that they’re easy to locate during an emergency.

KEY SUPPLIES:

• Bottled Water
Hydration is key – because you can’t kiss or suck cock when you have cottonmouth.

• Condoms
Keep various types and sizes on hand. If you don’t have time to select them yourself, the Safari Survival Kit from Adam Male includes an assortment of 75 different condoms.

• Shower Shot or Ball Douche
If possible, install a douche attachment such as the Shower Shot in your shower. The kits are affordable and easy to install. If this isn’t an option, keep a reusable ball douche on hand.

• Cum Rags
Kleenex will work in a pinch, but these C.U.M. Rags from Yigi Chang at Etsy really make a statement – don’t you think?

• An Extra Toothbrush, Some Mouthwash, and Some Breath Spray
You can’t afford to let obstacles like bad breath get in your way during a serious gay sex emergency.

• Wet-Wipes
If sexual terrorists detonate a “Dirty Dong” device, you may be forced to remain inside a dong shelter until you’re certain that the afterglow has dissipated. Wet wipes will help you to feel clean even after you’ve been dirty. Be sure to buy the flushable kind, since most tricks won’t know any better.

• A Clean Change of Underwear
It’s not uncommon for underwear to go missing during the chaotic aftermath of a gay sex emergency. The more people who are involved, the higher the risk of underwear loss. Lost underwear may not be recovered for months, if ever. AndrewChristian.com offers a sexcellent selection of backup briefs, but any comfortable brand will do.

• Lube
You should have at least a water-based lube and a silicone-based lube available. If possible, it’s wise to stock additional options such as Elbow Grease, Pjur, Gun Oil, Frixion, flavored lubes, etc.

• Fleshjacks
These popular masturbators have quickly become a staple of the gay sex diet, so try to have at least one Fleshjack available.

• Black Bar Anonymity Glasses
You’ll need these in case someone gets wasted enough to start snapping mobile phone pics.

• Cock Rings
These are useful when gay sex emergencies drag on for longer than expected. They’re small and generally inexpensive, so try to keep several types on hand. You’ll find lots of options at Perfect Fit, Oxballs, and Stockroom.

• A Prostate Stimulator
When a trick asks to try something new, a prostate stimulator like the Aneros Vice can be just the ticket.

• An Automatic Rifle and/or An Air-pumped Shotgun
When the gaypocalypse goes down, gay society will quickly begin to unravel. Within less than a week of the ultimate gay sex disaster, you can expect to see angry gay mobs raiding innocent homes in search of lube and cock rings. At that point, you’ll need to be ready to protect your land, your tricks, and your gay sex kit.