Getting Away With Infidelity

In every relationship, there may be days when you absolutely loathe the man who you used to call your soul mate. It might be hard to appreciate him at the moment…

In every relationship, there may be days when you absolutely loathe the man who you used to call your soulmate. It might be hard to appreciate him at the moment, but that’s part of what makes relationships so magical and worthwhile. If life was easy, we’d never change. Though painful, conflict and compromise both force us to re-evaluate our own beliefs and fantasies. Our life partners mean many things to us, but our relationships with them are the world’s best engine for personal growth.
    Wait – did I just fall asleep? I think I was just dreaming again. It was that one where relationships are based on mutual love, respect, and honesty. I love that one. But now back to reality…
    So what do you do when your lover is driving you up the wall? Maybe his hair is receding or he’s gained weight. Maybe his cute idiosyncrasies suddenly have you wishing you could magically transform him into something more useful, such as a spatula or a bottle of poppers. Whatever the case may be, today’s tough financial times mean that break-ups just aren’t affordable. So what do you do when you can’t just dump your zero for a hero? (Sorry – Ricki Lake moment.) The answer is simple. Cheat on him until things get better. Think of it as a relationship vacation. Instead of grasping at straws and considering couple’s counseling, save both him and yourself some tears and heartache and just fool around. Just wait and see – after a little affair, you may find that you no longer hope your hubby will die silently in his sleep. Here are five tips on how to keep the wraps on your “affair therapy”.

#1: KEEP IT VIRTUAL
If you’re tired of pretending that your boyfriend is Cameron Marshall, Reese Rideout, or TJ Hawke, webcams might be the way to go (I tried picturing Blake Riley once, but my brain short-circuited as it  tried to imagine that much ass.) Sure, many guys don’t consider this cheating, but there are some guys who will freak out if they even catch you looking at another dude’s peen, so it can be a real issue. Live cams are an easy way to get your cheat on without all the guilt or the possibility of STDs – which will always give you away. The only danger is that you never know what the other guy might end up doing with your recorded image, which is where sites like Flirt 4 Free and Camera Boys come in handy. Not only do they allow you to safely experience the “naughty factor” of cheating, but they also let you control what the other guy has access to. It’s kind of like being bulimic – you eat, you purge, and there’s no harm done (Except for your teeth, heart, esophagus, mood, etc. But those are trifling details.) Just make sure you erase your history, set up a private password for your computer, and clear your cache.

#2: COVER YOUR TRACKS
One of the most important rules of cheating is that you should never leave a paper trail. Don’t put anything on your charge card. Instead, use cash for every seedy hotel, sex club, bathhouse, and massage parlor you may find yourself in at three in the morning (totally strung out and wondering when they invented LED wallpaper that could break out into a Busby Berkeley number.) Also, try to keep emails and text messaging to a minimum, but if you find that you do need to communicate this way make sure that you use very non-descript language i.e. Do you want to go to the zoo with my parents Saturday at 10am even if it rains? Translation: Let’s have monkey sex at 10pm on Saturday. Prepare for watersports!

#3: CREATE GOOD ALIBIS
Many people never think to get an alibi when they cheat because they believe that being “alone” is the stealthiest way to avoid detection. This just simply isn’t true. Making the person you’re bumping uglies with your alibi is the best way to go. That way when you’re out “rehearsing” for the new band the two of you started, your albatross won’t suspect a thing. 

#4: PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY
If you’re going to hook-up on sites like Man Hunt or G Cruise make sure you crop out your face in whatever picture you post. If you have any identifying marks that are specific to your body, you should Photoshop them out. That way your lover (or anyone else who knows you)  won’t  connect the dots. And please, don’t take photos in recognizable settings. Those Hello Kitty pillowcases and the framed print he gave you for your birthday are both dead giveaways.

#5: CALL IT BUSINESS
Times are tough and folks need money, so tell him you’ve decided to make the ultimate sacrifice in order to bring home more bacon – by doing porn work. Try saying something like, “Don’t worry honey – it’s just business. I’ll only be thinking of you the whole time.” Besides, what other job lets you have sex with lots of hot guys (without being beaten up regularly by a pimp)? Do you really think the dudes at Dirty Boy Video, Corbin Fisher, Cocky Boys, or Broke Straight Boys only do it for the money? Psychologists telll us that no one ever does anything for just one reason, so it’s likely that they also love to fuck. Porn just gives them permission to act on their impulses. Another plus: porn work may provide the money you need to move out (if you haven’t fallen back in love by then.)