Unique Valentine’s Day Gifts

    It’s that time of the year again. The time when Hallmark, Godiva and the Restaurant industry all remind us that if we’re single, we’re no longer a part of their marketing demographic. Valentine’s Day, a day that commemorates a bloody massacre by Al Capone (among other things) is the day when we get all sappy and lavish our lovers with tokens of affection (that they probably don’t deserve after their New Year’s shenanigans.) This mentality is something that has been more or less engineered by greeting card companies, as well as poets like Chaucer who espoused being in love as one of the greatest human experiences. But what do American Greetings and a 14th century poet really know about modern love? Meh.
    But let’s take off the hat of cynicism for a moment. Maybe some of us are irrationally biased against Singles Awareness Day (That’s the Valentines Day for those who want to celebrate being single.) Yes – being single has it’s own holiday, but had you ever heard of it before? Perhaps all the recent political posturing that has aimed to stop gays from tying the knot has our collective low rise briefs all in a wad. But whatever the reasons, this year it’s all about Valentine’s day in the LGBT world. There’s no denying that it’s nice to be with someone special on this day of love and closeness – whether that person is a longtime partner, a new boyfriend, the latest fling, a favorite fuck buddy, or the guy you pick up as the bar closes on February 13th. Whoever you end up being with, why not embrace the holiday spirit by giving them a little something that shows your appreciation.
    There’s nothing as reassuring as knowing that the big ol’ bottom in your life is satisfied. Nothing says “I want to be inside all of you” more than Clone-a-Willy’s latest offering, the Chocolate Clone-a-Willy Kit. Imagine the fun you’ll have staying hard to make the mold – and what you can do with it when it’s done. If decadence is your thing, but you’re both bossy bottoms, nothing will get you loosened up for that double headed dildo more than a Chocolate-Dipped Bottle of Champagne! Imagine licking the chocolate, popping your corks, and then pouring the bubbly all over each other.
    If you’re paramour is a man who already has the world at his feet, why not give him the universe? Have a star named after him in the star registry. It’s ideal for egomaniacs, since they can use it to help illustrate that, in some ways, the world does revolve around them. If your man needs to be kept a little more grounded, show your love by saving a tree in his name. But steer clear of this one if he has specifically requested a redwood coffee table. If that’s the sad case, might we suggest driftwood instead?
    Romantic types who want to do something thoughtful can opt to send a message of love in a bottle (cybersocket.com/link/bzhqy). With a wide variety of beautiful glass bottles available, it’s the perfect way to hint for him to whisk you away to a deserted island together.
    If you’d hoped to propose marriage before the Prop 8 debacle derailed your dreams, perhaps you can opt for a promissary gesture to tide you over until Proposition Hate is repealed. The Tiffany 1837 Bar Pendant is a simple but suitably expensive ingot that will compliment the plunging neckline of any future wedding dress. And if your relationship should go South, he can always melt it down and have it re-cast as a tongue ring or a Prince Albert to please his new, hotter boyfriend. Now that’s love.
    For the more conventional, nothing says “Ti amo” like Prada. It’s one of the secret gay commandments. This Valentines Day, get him a bottle of Prada’s Amber Pour Homme fragrance and then inhale the complex but subtle notes of bergamot, mandarin, neroli, vetiver, myrrh, vanilla, and leather. If his scent is just fine, but his luck is lacking, then perhaps try a small Bonsai Tree. It will help him to cultivate a more zen attitude and can also help to improve his interior decorating karma.
    If you’ve gotten to a place where you love your man unconditionally and actually make love instead of just fucking, why not get him what he really wants? No, not an endless stream of one-night stands. A naked cleaning person! What could be more touching than having your place cleaned by a stud dressed in undies (or less?) Just make sure that the maid makes the bed both before and after the two of you fuck him on it.
    Next up, there’s always the charm of a homemade gift. After all, nothing shows trust quite like future blackmail material. If he’s often away from home on business, why not film some homemade solo J/O porn for him? If you don’t want to feel quite so vulnerable, try secretly filming yourselves together (preferably with him at an unflattering angle, so that he doesn’t leak it.) Then you’ll both have something to lose if cupid has him shooting in someone else’s hole anytime soon.
    No matter what you get the man in your life for Valentines Day this year, just remember that gifts are only temporary. Your sincere love and your time are the gifts you can give that will never disappoint.

   
    Contact Seth Apper at: [email protected]