I Don’t Wanna Go To Rehab

Let’s face it; gays and rehab go together like a jack and coke (no ice!) Sooner or later, we’ll all end up on an episode of A&E’s Intervention. All you have to do is drop a few Viagras in a pink Cosmo for us as we’re powdering our noses in the VIP room. An hour later we’re all over the dance floor, singing along to Holla Back Girl as we wave our doll-sized wife-beaters over our heads like a posse of gay cowboys trying to lasso a wild ass.
   
A few lucky homos will somehow manage to avoid any forcible trips down the road to recovery – but with so much of LGBT culture linked to the bar scene, the chances are very high for gays and lesbians to develop a dependence on alcohol or drugs. Luckily, the solution to this dilemma is simple. Be prepared to end the party if you spot any of the common signs of addiction.
   
Gay & Lesbian Alcoholics, a site dedicated to helping those in recovery, says that the warning signs of an addiction can vary from person to person. Using their guide, however, we’ve compiled an informal list of the top 5 signs of addiction. We’ve also borrowed some wisdom from Lakeview Freedom Rings, a group that specializes in addressing the unique challenges faced by the LGBT community. We’ve used alcohol as our example, but the same symptoms can easily be applied to almost any other substance or behavior.

TOP 5 SIGNS OF ADDICTION

1. Sneaking drinks at social gatherings. Hello — we see you.

2. Avoiding other people in favor of drinking alone.

3. Drinking before noon. (But only on days that don’t begin with an “S”, because Weekend Mimosa Brunches don’t count.)
4. Waking up unable to remember what or whom you did last night.

5. Trying to control your drinking by switching brands. (Why bother? Whether it’s Smirnoff or Svedka, it’s still booze.)

   
These are all very general signs, so please be sure to visit the sites above for more complete information if you think you have a problem.
   
Before we get too preachy on your drunken ass, you may want to know that there are actually some perks that come with acknowledging an addiction. Most of us don’t have the funds to sober up with the likes of Lohan and Spears, but there are some slightly less expensive facilities that are almost as chic. Promises in Malibu and the Renaissance Malibu — which only treats 12 people at a time — are both great places to rub elbows with Hollywood’s fallen party elite while you try to kick the habit. If a little hobnobbing makes the difference and convinces you to seek recovery, go for it. Just think of it this way — if you relapse, you’ll have made enough B-List connections to self-destruct with style. Hunky Ken Seeley of cable TV’s Intervention even has his own program in Los Angeles, in case you’re an aspiring starfucker. It’s called Intervention 911.
   
You may have noticed California’s recent MeNotMeth ad campaign featuring candid images of strung out gay men. The images are meant to show the damage that meth can wreak upon a person’s physical appearance and spirit, but some of the guys are still kind of hot! Whatever your intentions, you should check out the site.
   
For those who prefer to get clean while getting a seaweed wrap, luxury spa themes have become one of the hottest new trends in recovery. What could be better than getting clean while simultaneously receiving a back massage? Just don’t expect any happy endings. Hotlines like Luxury Drug Rehab can give you a list of the “finest” rehabilitation centers in your area. They even have a blog that features pictures of soothing scenes, including a room with windows draped in wind-blown linen and people laughing as they run along the shore. It’s hard to imagine Amy Winehouse doing that, but who knows?
   
If you really want to get away from it all, there’s Paradise Recovery. Located right on the beach in Hawaii, they will cater to your every need (except your need for a Mai Tai and an 8-ball) as you convalesce on the warm, white sands of beautiful Honolulu.
   
If Hawaii isn’t far enough away from your dealer, how about exploring your outer space roots as you battle your inner engrams? Scientology, recommended by both Tom Cruise and Kirsty Alley, has detox centers all over the country. Based on the teachings of late founder L. Ron Hubbard, these centers focus on flushing harmful toxins out of your body with an intense regimen of exercise and saunas — plus mega-doses of (Scientology-approved) toxins such as niacin. Remember — you gotta get clean before you can go clear like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes… On second thought, maybe we’d rather stay fucked up.