By Kyle Flannery

Sometimes you just need a good fuck. You know how it is. No boyfriend, the left hand is almost as familiar as the right, and all your favorite dildos have been worn down to nubs. Well, we've got the answer for your in-and-out craving: robots.
   
If machines can make Slurpees and build cars, the least they can do is give us a right buggering. It's not like anybody hasn't figured out that C-3PO is a big old queen, anyway.
   
Right now you might be imagining what fiendish attachments the Japanese have dreamt up for this new legion of giant fuck-bots, but the reality is much more low-tech.
   
Fucking machines are actually enjoying a surge in popularity at the moment and a handful of gay sites now specialize in content that features guys getting machine-fucked. One of the best is Butt Machine Boys, brought to us by the talented crew at kink.com. Recent studs to get machine-fucked for your pleasure at Butt Machine Boys include Mitch West, Elijah Woody, Richie Rennt, Max Holden, Rhet Hengst, and more. One of the unique things about Butt Machine Boys is the way they offer so many different options. You can buy just a photo-shoot, just the video clips, or just access to the streaming video content. Or you can buy it all - you decide how much you want and how you want it. This kind of flexibility shows that Butt Machine Boys has a lot of confidence in it's content, and it's definitely warranted! It's the perfect introduction for newcomers who just want to get their feet wet.
   
The clips and photos at Butt Machine Boys do a good job of demonstrating fuck machine functionality. Though different machines vary in complexity, most consist of a piston device that pumps a dildo (or other object) forward and backward in an adjustable rhythm. In short, you get raw, brute power invading your bunghole.
   
Most sex machine sites feature women, but the Butt Machine Boys site pretty much lives up to its name with lots of hot guys jerking off while getting plugged by a percolating machine.
   
Enough with just being a spectator, however. After a brief introduction, we know that many of you will want in on the fun. Extreme Restraints offers a bevy of fucking machines, including everything from the $89 Drilldo (exactly what you'd imagine) to the oak and aluminum Invader, which clocks in at a cool $1,395. The array of metal monsters is almost as impressive as the orgasms you'll have as their steel talons are impaling you faster than the beats of the latest club anthem.
   
Or you could go for the big guns and get yourself something from Sybian.com, which makes what is widely regarded as the best fuck machine out there. The Sybian has been around for 21 years, and although it's been primarily marketed to women it also provides an electrifying experience for boys who like a good bum rush. A fully loaded Symbian costs upwards of $1,300 and weighs in at a whopping 37 pounds. And we've got to admit, it makes a hell of a racket. You'll have to apologize to the neighbors — after apologizing to the UPS guy.
   
But there's a reason the Sybian is considered the greatest goo gadget of them all. This thing vibrates like you wouldn't believe, which is great if you've got the anal lining of a rhino. You can select from a variety of attachments, including realistic penis replicas. Not the choice for the plunger set, but if wiggling back and forth at a zillion miles an hour makes your tail hole pucker then get ordering.
   
Think shopping is for sissies? Get out your duct tape and build your own portable porker using the directions at My Love Machine. The site offers up a $49 download featuring plans for constructing a toolbox-sized tool that'll drive a dildo three inches into your ass at speeds of up to 200 strokes per minute.
   
If you're not an ace with an Allen wrench, the site also sells a $219 Sex Machine in a Box kit that has everything you'll need to throw together your own mechanical butt buddy. Get your motor revving with the included motor, speed controller, lubricating power and more — including an 8" classic dildo. But for the love of Christ, make sure you squirt half a tube of lube up your back alley before hitting the 200 pounds per minute option!
   
These are frighteningly inhuman options for some, although for others that's no doubt a part of the allure. The skittish can take comfort in something that qualifies as a machine in only the simplest sense. We are of course talking about the miracle of Uncanny Valley technology found at RealDoll.com. These silicon flesh-bots look astonishingly real and carry the price tag to prove it. You can buy a lot of escorts for $6,499 - plus tax and freight. But that would defeat the point of a fuck machine, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, the male doll has now been retired, although an updated version is set to arrive by the end of the year. We like the modular cock accessory, which lets you pop in five increasingly fat selections with shaft lengths from under three inches to nine inches of steel. Tear these babies open and build your own bucking hips for the most realistic fuck machine yet.
   
Eventually all of this stuff will come together for us and we'll have an army of buff Cylon sex machines just waiting to service our every need. That day can't some too soon — and luckily when it does come, it won't matter if we do.

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