By Danny Valle
The best way to pick up lots of hot guys is to be tall, blonde, and ripped - like Brad Pitt in Troy. But if that's not you, don't worry. As long as you physically resemble any Abercrombie & Fitch model, you should do just fine. Looking like Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't hurt, either.
Assuming you've met one of the aforementioned prerequisites, you're now ready for a night of frivolity and flirting. But before you leave the house, make sure that you've thoroughly tweezed, shaved, trimmed and coiffed yourself to within an inch of your life. You should also be wearing something from the latest collection of your favorite designer. Bonus points for any outfit designed by a current contestant on Project Runway.
If you live in an image-conscious city like Los Angeles, stylish transportation is of the utmost importance. Make and model don't matter, as long as your ride is fairly new, extremely shiny, and worth more than the gross national product of a small third world country. When you pull up to the valet at the trendiest new hotspot, remember not to make eye contact with anyone. Simply hand your keys to the nearest lackey (knowing they will be there), fiddle with your Swarovski-encrusted cell-phone, and act self-absorbed.
Once you've made your big entrance - preferably down a long, winding staircase that shows off your good side (any of them) you should already be creating quite a stir. Men should begin swarming around you like alcoholics at an open bar - or a shiver of hungry sharks around a bucket of fresh chum.
As Van Cleef & Arpels will attest, it's all about the accessories. They're a sure fire way to get noticed, and there's no better accessory than a coterie of sexy admirers and grifters draped around you as you begin scanning the bar for signs of life. Rather than leaving anything to chance, do the evening right by renting a couple of reputable hookers. You don't need to pay for dick, of course. But it just makes everything much simpler. If you bring your friends, one of them will probably be nursing a secret crush on you. Using him to pick up on hotter guys will only cause trouble and you'll inevitably end up bandaging his stupid feelings rather than doing what's really important — looking out for Number One. Just go to Dlist or Manhunt and hire some guys who will hang on your every word — without ever upstaging you or creating lots of emotional turmoil.
Once someone of your own caliber finally manages to catch your eye, respond with a nonchalant stare that says, “You're going to have to work for it.” For visual reference, please refer to any Michael Lucas photo. Your mark will probably circle a few times as he awaits some sign of encouragement from you. He'll surely understand that you don't make eye contact with anyone, so a subtle nod in his general direction should tell him all that he needs to know.
After introducing himself, he'll probably offer to refresh your drink at the bar. This would be an ideal time to dismiss your menservants to go scan for new arrivals. Once your aspiring Romeo returns, you won't need to make much small talk. He'll probably do most of the talking as he drowns you in compliments. As he rattles off cliché platitudes like, 'I couldn't help but notice you when you walked in the door' and, 'You must be the best looking man I've ever seen,' you should feel free to disconnect and to begin sizing him up. If he doesn't meet your standards, dismiss him immediately. Your handmaidens should be back from their reconnaissance missions by now and they can help to extricate you.
Before ever giving a potential candidate your phone number, you must always be sure to do three important things. For starters, summon the sommelier and request a bottle of his or her finest champagne — and then charge it to your suitor's tab. If that doesn't max out his credit card, he may just have what it takes to roll with someone of your ilk. Next, be sure to scrutinize him closely under some florescent or UV lighting in case the club's flattering pink haze has somehow been too forgiving. The purse-sized models used by CSI are inexpensive and work quite well.
The final and most important thing you must do is to have fun. After all - if he can't appreciate you for your good looks, then he probably needs glasses. And you definitely don't want to date a guy who wears glasses… Unless they're Prada -
