By Danny Valle

It's dirty, it'll make you go blind, and it can cause heinous hair growth on your palms. No, we're not talking about Ann Coulter! We're talking about America's favorite pastime, aka spilling baby knuckles, flogging the hog, beating the bishop, calling down for more mayo, sending out the troops... Meh — you get the picture. With so many new J/O toys now available, pulling your pud has never been more laden with possibilities. You've heard of Web 2.0, right? Well think of this as Masturbation 2.0.
   
What’s the best way to spank your monkey, you ask? Why, with a Monkey Spanker! This sleek new device slips over your cock and has a handle 6.5” inches in length — just right for really getting a grip on it and beating off ''til you can get a date. The Monkey Spanker also includes a vibrating bullet, which adds a whole new dimension of pleasure. Just be sure to soak that shit in lube or else you'll rub yourself raw. Unless your kinky ass is into that kind of self-abuse. No judgments!
   
If you're as lazy as I am, you'll want a product that does all the work. That's where the Robosuck II Masturbator comes in handy. Because it totally sucks (in a good way.) It also vibrates and strokes your shaft, and it does them all at once. It even comes with a remote control and various settings. Sounds like the kind of item that could put a girl off men. In which case, I'll take one in every color!
   
Trekkies who like to wear their Starfleet uniform in bed will get a Klingon-sized kick out of the Figure 8 Stimulator. Imagine a Bluetooth Headset shaped like an infinity symbol which serves as both a cock ring and a ball holder (with a silver bullet vibrator to stimulate the wearer's balls and the bottom's behind.) No, I wasn’t just rolling my eyes in sarcasm. That was my eyes rolling into the back of my head!
   
All you kinky bastards will have a ball with this next product — literally. The Monster Ball for Ass Lock Cock ring serves a two in one function. It's a cock ring connected to a ball that a user can insert into his ass for added pleasure. Guys who aren't as tight as they used to be (We know you're out there, Loosey!) can opt for a ball that measures as much as 10” in circumference. Open up and say ahh!
   
If you've been meaning to get back at your boyfriend for accidentally shooting a load into your eye, you might want to give the Adonis Pouch a shot. This ingenious Swedish product is a complicated little contraption, which is really no surprise, considering they also gave the world Ikea. Have you ever tried to assemble any of their furniture? It's a nightmare. Fortunately, the Adonis Pouch isn't flat-packed. It's pre-assembled and only requires you to strap it on correctly. Then you can flip the switch and start firing your own bullets.

The Fukuoku Finger Massage Gloves have powerful vibrators at the tips of each digit, which at the highest speed can reach up to 45,000 vibrations per minute! The Fukuoku can be used for regular massages as well as your dick. But just remember — if it doesn't fit, you must acquit!
   
Remember the Rubber Ducky song that Ernie always sang on Sesame Street? Picture that same ducky wearing S&M gear and you'll have a pretty good approximation of the Bondage Duck Vibrator. With its fairly benign appearance, it's the perfect Holiday gift for that special piggy in your life who likes to take along his fetish gear when he travels.
   
Finding a woman's G-spot can be like trying to knock someone out with a Vulcan nerve pinch. Luckily, gay men don't have to go hunting for that elusive minotaur hidden deep inside the labia labyrinth. Furthermore, finding the male G-spot is easy. Besides the prostate, there's the much more accessible perineum (aka the taint). The Fleshlight store has a slew of unique toys that are sure to hit the spot.
   
The star of the Fleshlight store is, of course, the Fleshjack. The Fleshjack is undeniably the current king of all J/O toys and features a highly customizable design. You can specify the shape of the orifice, the internal texture, and the color. The newest innovation to hit the product line is a transparent version that lets you spy on your dick (or your partner’s) as you stroke away.
   
Almost all of these products should be used with some kind of lube, and there ain't no better place to buy lube than Cheap Lubes. As the name suggests, they offer wide a variety of lubricants at greatly reduced prices — so what are you waiting for?!

Masterbeat sees itself as representing the future of dance and electronica as it presents a beautiful “dance remix version of iTunes.” Widely regarded as one of the best places to find dance music online, the Masterbeat site has been live since earlier this year. You'll find music from both independent and major labels and you can easily browse for music by genre, artist, or label. Current music chart information is posted, too. The site looks great, runs fast, and offers a selection that can’t be beat.

This five-year-old site has lots of flava! In case you've been sleeping under a rock lately, you probably know that Flava Films has been winning awards and cranking out some of the hottest blatino and thug porn in the industry. Coco Store offers a great selection of DVDs from Thug Boy, Papi Cock, Coco Boys, and more. Some of the site perks include a special discount coupon, access to the company catalog, and a way for potential models to get in touch with the studios.

When the owner of Adonis realized that gay men needed a place to shop back in 1995, that was to be the birth of the largest gay/bisexual adult store on the Internet. This is a fun place to browse and you'll come across lots of great gift items. Besides anal douches, butt plugs, poppers, and leather cock rings, the site also has its very own (and very hot!) XXX gallery, a Man of the Week contest, and a comprehensive links page.

The number one online source for men's swimwear and underwear is both incredibly handy and undeniably erotic. The gear on offer is top-notch fashion, but the models and photography are almost like soft porn. Underwear, wrestling gear, clearance items, jockstraps, and all sorts of suits can be found. Also look for an incredibly detailed history of underwear!